Don't you Stress Relief—Eucalyptus Spearmint me
by Enterpraise
Summary: In which Levi is a grumpy part owner of a Bath and Body works and somewhere amidst all that fragranced lotion she finds what she's been looking for. (Riren Fem!Verse; warning for lots of lotion names, cheesiness, and language)


"What are you doing, you handicapped piece of dried shit? Did I fucking tell you that's how the goddamn body lotions go? Is your brain wired to your ass?" Levi doesn't give the shaking employee time to answer. She's way too pissed.

"No. I didn't fucking say 'Japanese Cherry Blossom' goes next to 'French Lavender and Honey'. That's two contrasting nationalities, you rude ass fucker. How would you like it if you were a French dude waltzing into our fine establishment and bam! The Japanese have totally rained on your parade. It goes both fucking ways."

"Ma'am, I-I am truly sorry. I could have sworn that you said Croissants and Anime." The employee stammers, staring at the body lotions in Levi's hands as if they were decapitated heads.

Levi narrows her eyes viciously. "Croissants and motherfucking annie mae?" Her apathetic expression only made the employee's tremors worsen. "You're fired, you stereotypical douche." She declares with an air of finality.

With a defeated sigh and an almost thankful glance at the exit, William clumsily folds his Bath and Body Works apron and trudges out the door. It had been a long week working under Levi's authoritarian regime. It was a welcomed divorce for both parties. The annoying bell that had been strategically placed above the door rings loudly and obnoxiously as William walks out. Levi is still convinced that the manager placed it there just to piss her off.

She wouldn't put it past Hange, that man bitch. Always hoarding up piles of 'Sensual- Black Current Vanilla' when he thought she wasn't looking. Levi has called the man every derogatory name under the too bright, too happy, flaming space rock people called the sun and the shit still wouldn't fire her.

It's not like he could. Levi practically runs the place anyways. From the pristine countertops to the compulsively stacked loofahs and back scrubbers, Levi makes it happen.

Twenty five years old. Employed. A perpetually brooding young maiden waiting for tax season just to feel that surge of victory when she pays everything off in full. A big '_fuck you' _to her in debt, coked out parents and a check plus to her godly credit. Relationship status? In Hange and Erwin terms?

Forever alone.

She had been in a few messy relationships before with some frat man-whores and obsessive gamers; all of which cursed her mother and father when she didn't put out like she was '_supposed to.'_ Levi wanted to laugh in their faces. I don't give a flying cow shit about my parents. Fuck, I'll join you in insulting them, but then the dickheads went and insulted her.

Erwin bailed her out of jail more times than she'd liked to admit.

Domestic violence, they said. Aggression, they said. Uncalled for and psychotic, they said. Anger issues, they said.

Well when Levi said, fuck you sacks of wrinkled balls, she got arrested again for talking back to multiple officers on police premises. (That's when she came to the realization that dicks were overrated and promptly switched to pussy. It was still the best life decision she'd ever made.)

That had been when she was of the tender age of eighteen. Seven years later, after boot camp and four years in the US Army, Levi decided to conveniently toss her crisply ironed uniform in her closet, five seconds past and she had to go carefully hang it up in a drying cleaning bag, and invest in a Bath and Body Works with her metrosexual best friends, Erwin and Hange.

She sure knows how to pick um.

It was one fine spring morning, or should she say, a fine 'Pear Blossom Air' day when her undercut was itching just right and the bags under her eyes were actually not as bad as they usually were because she got an entire four hours of sleep due to a power outage and her laptop dying. The humongous apron had been replaced with a form fitting polo with the business's logo embroidered on the breast. Erwin had sashayed in with his adorable as fuck girlfriend, Marie, earlier and unceremoniously dropped a Starbucks dark roast, Sumatra, black, before her very thankful and gracious eyes.

It was a great start to a seemingly great day.

Until the jingle of doom echoes uglily throughout the store and Levi nearly cries with joy at the business while at the same time the urge to whip out her trusty hand gun because people fucking suck is also strong.

She continues to focus all of her energy on the computer, currently centering on the finances of the trio's share concerning the overall company. Levi hadn't noticed the skinny ass palm tree that had slinked over to the counter with a mini bottle of 'Sea Island Cotton' lotion.

With a scowl she assesses the customer in front of her.

Fuck, she is a goddamn bombshell.

Lips like 'Cherry Blossom' and eyes like-nope. No lotion could do those masterpieces justice. Maybe if she searched through the body washes? Mentioning bodies...And that body. Lord help every cashier that had to be separated from this girl by a protruding counter. It was like 'Brown Sugar and Fig' fucked 'Sensual Amber' and the two procreated the tan goddess in front of her.

The girl opens her mouth.

"You gonna ring me up or not, babe?" She asks with a a heavy German accent and an angry glare.

Oh fuck no. Levi didn't work her ass off since she was thirteen so that she could be sassed by some upstart little bitch with a really really nice accent.

"You gonna approach me civilly and ask me decently?" Levi counters, her face in its natural state: a peeved scowl.

Personality fucking whiplash. "Oh. Um. I sorry... If I was snappy." The girl flickers those majestic orbs-ugh, how about shower gel. Yeah. Her eyes were the illegitimate child of 'Juniper Breeze' and 'Dancing Waters'-at Levi and swiftly ko's her with a heart wrenching puppy look. "I didn't mean to come across as a bitch, but life ya know?" She chuckles softy, her accent thick and fifty shades of sexy.

Oh. This girl is dangerous.

Levi remains calm though, not to be swayed by this little tramp's game. "Damn straight you better be sorry." She huffs, praying to the heavenly deity above that she's not blushing. Her skin is too damn white for that bullshit. It's embarrassing. "That'll be $4.69." She informs the girl professionally.

"Thanks..." The chick trails off and Levi watches her gaze travel lower and lower and she pretty sure the girls stripping her through the counter right now. "Levi." She finishes, flashing the seemingly unemotional woman a crooked smile.

It's so endearing and positively adorable that Levi almost looks away.

"Whatever." She gripes. Holding the portable scanner behind the counter even tighter. "Get the fuck outta my sight." She adds for good measure. Nothing good is gonna happen to that girl if she gets with Levi.

Forever alone for a reason, babydoll.

She watches the girl, not her equally beautiful ass (maybe), head towards the door with a distant expression. It's then that she realizes that maybe, just maybe, the mousy hair German girl is her one way ticket out of singledom and into the fabled world of happiness. Maybe, just maybe, this one girl would be the one to hold her at night as her bodies wracks with sobs because her parents are worthless cunts who forced her out on the streets when she was thirteen. To tell her that why in fact, she is pretty, not ugly and cold-hearted, and '_Wow, Levi. You are absolutely gorgeous. Has anyone told you that? That you're special? That you're loved?'_

She's a fucking joke. She knows it.

Her 'Secret Wonderland' is the fucking El Dorado of the twenty-first century. It's not going to happen.

So, with a grim frown, Levi watches her hope go, watches her place a slim hand on the glass that she had just windexed but couldn't find an aggravated bone in her body because she's way too fucking distraught, watches her twirl around with a red face and strewn chocolate hair.

"My name is Eren!" She announces, stuttering over her own name, before bolting out the door and leaving a shell shocked twenty five year old woman in the Bath and Body Works occupying a rented space in the Trost Strip Mall.

A broad smile graces Levi's lips right when Hange busts in and dramatically demands to know what the fuss was all about before seeing the blissful look on his best girlfriend's face. One he had never seen before.

"Eren." Levi whispers. The name as beautiful as the young woman who purchased an overpriced bottle of lotion just to meet her.

"Woah. Woah. Someone call the Feds." Hange says with a serious enough face to let Levi know that he's worried.

"Calm your tits, shitty glasses." She snaps, brushing off the ecstatic glow that threatens to consume her body. "It's nothing."

With a disbelieving snort, Hange trails over to the counter and peers at Levi with calculating eyes. "That's a load of donkey shit and you know it. That feisty little Mädchen's been in here numerous times. I don't think you've ever noticed because she's always kept super quiet." He tells her, a smirk forming on his face.

"You've never actually noticed her fawning over you, girl?" He asks.

Levi digests the information hungrily. "N-no." She falters because this development is huge. There isn't any force holding her chances at love and happiness hostage, it's her. She's been the one caging her and Eren's one way ticket to relationship status: taken.

This time it's not on her parents, on prejudiced, slimy dicks. It's on her and Levi feels ashamed.

"Hange, I just had a really selfless and mind fucking blowing epiphany and it's so goddamn awesome to be feeling this shit that I'm going through right now and-"

"Oh. My. God!" Squeals Hange, throwing his hands in the air excitedly as he pushes a paper and a large bottle of an unidentified lotion towards her.

Levi snatches up the note and quickly sets to reading it.

_Levi,_

_I don't want you to think I'm weird or a stalker but so I kinda know your sister? Mikasa? She's like... My homedog? Or whatever you Americans say? Fuck I'm being really rude I know it. Germany and America are really different and shit I'm rambling. So. I always thought you were really gorgeous. Even your hair. God, I sound so creepy but I want to let you know how I feel. You're really special to me. Like a 'Golden Magnolia Sun.'"_

Levi has to laugh at that. What a cute ass shithead.

_So... I'll tell you this in person when I come in tomorrow but I'm afraid of rejection so throw this bottle at me when I come in if you..uh. Don't like me? Yeah. So I think I love you okay auf wiedersehen._

_Love, Eren Jaeger _

The edges of the paper crinkle under Levi's relentless grip. She blinks away watery eyes and swallows thickly because this is the sweetest most wonderful thing that's ever happened to her. Not trusting herself to be as composed as she would like, she fumbles around for the bottle of lotion without asking Hange.

The sonofanicewoman reads her mind. "Here darling." He hands her the big bottle of lotion and the smile that breaks through is real. It's real and it's so big that she thinks her skin is going to break. That's Hange's eyesight is going to get even fucking worse because damn her smile's bright.

It's a bottle of 'Mad about You.'

**A/N:**

**sappy, cheesy, and written at five am. I'll reread this horror later Kay night zzz **


End file.
